Jun 15 2009
I wish I could have my body back
This morning I felt determined to get some school work done since it’s been a while that I’ve done any. (I’m studying to work as a Medical Transcriptionist & Medical Claims/Billing Specialist from home) I get my books and as soon as I start, I start feeling foggy headed and like I’m getting a headache. What the hell? Do I keep going and try to push through, knowing I’m risking a headache that I usually can’t get rid of? UGH!!! I hate feelings detached from myself. It’s a constant battle.
My body always feels separate from my mind. The biggest frustration is not being able to have much control over what my body does. I am just a passenger in this runaway train most days and it’s exhausting.
I want to do so many things… like be an active member of my family. Someone that they can depend on rather than always having to say “we’ll see how I feel” when it comes to choir concerts, band performances, or even just cooking them a meal each night.
I want to at least be able to work on my school work so I’m heading toward a goal that I want to achieve. I have a nursing degree that I worked my ass off for that I can no longer use because of my illness.. why can’t I just have one small thing not dictated by my body and it’s unrelenting torture?? It used to be that I would go through my day and then realize that something hurt. Now, I try to go through my day and hope to realize the moment that I might be comfortable. A moment when the pain is not at the forefront of my mind sabotaging every thought or action. I have tried.. and still do try to will it away. Some people think that fibromyalgia is “just in your head”. I sincerely wish that were true… for me, it would be gone already.
There was more to this post, but just as fast as it entered my head.. it’s gone. Fibro fog… love it. Now THAT is in my head…
